An Old Man at the Doctors

A 60 yr old man goes to visit his doctor for a regular checkup.

Oldman: "DOC, you are not going to believe how good I have been feeling lately, I have a new wife and she is only 20 yrs old, and pregnant with my child!, life sure is taking a change for the better"

Doctor: " O really now?

Oldman: "Yea what do you think about that!?"

Doctor: "Let me tell you a quick story of a man I used to know, and you will then know my opinion."

Oldman: "ok"

Doctor: "I used to know a man like you, and one day he went out hunting. He got to his favorite hunting spot, and noticed that he had forgotten his gun. Right about that time a prime beaver walked into the clearing. The man knew he didn’t have his gun, but decided to try something else. The man pointed his finger and said "BANG", just as he said that, a shot rang out through the woods and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

Oldman: "Well honestly I think someone else pumped a couple of stray rounds into that beaver."

Doctor:" My point exactly"

The Mens Room

In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal.

The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean."

The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from Texas Tech University and they taught us not to piss on our hands.

Doctor Joke

A doctor walks into a bank and instead of pulling out a pen to endorse a check with, he accidentally pulls out a rectal thermometer. Embarrassed and realizing the mistake he says to the clerk "Well, that's just great. Some asshole has my pen!".

Blonde Jokes!!!!

How do you tell when a blonde is having her period?
She's only wearing one sock.

How do you make a blonde laugh on a Saturday?
Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.

What does a blonde say after her doctor tells her that she's pregnant.
Is it mine?

Why are blondes only allowed 30 minute lunch breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them if they take an hour.

What's the similarity between a blonde and a dog's turd?
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

What's the difference between a blonde and the titanic ?
You know how many men went down on the titanic.

What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board ?
Occasionally you have trouble getting the legs apart on an ironing board.

How can you tell if a blonde is having a bad day?
Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?
Shine a flashlight into her ear...

How does a blonde turn the light out after sex?
She shuts the car's door.

What do blondes use for protection during sex?
Bus Shelters.

What's the difference between a Walrus and a blonde?
One is wet, has a moustache and smells of fish - the other is a walrus.

21 Types of Pissers

21 TYPES OF PEOPLE YOU MIGHT MEET IN THE MEN'S ROOM! EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts. SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not. CROSSEYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed. TIMID: Can't piss if someone's watching, flushes urinal, comes back later. INDIFFERENT: All urinals being used, pisses in sink. CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor. WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection. FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug. ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants. CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble. SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed. PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand. DESPERATE: Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants. TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it. EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, then does both. FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe. LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns. DRUNK: Holds right thumb in left hand, pisses in pants. DISGRUNTLED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away. CONCEITED: Holds two-inch dick like a baseball bat. RADICAL: Ignores urinal. Pisses on wall.

Bar Joke - The Golden Toilet

There was this guy, let's call him bob. One night Bob went to about 5 bars, and he drank, like, 17 beers.

After he was done with that, like any normally functioning person, he really had to go. So he asked the bartender where the bathroom was, and he went to where he thought it was.

Later that night, Bob was laying in bed trying to go to sleep, and he was thought, "wait a minute.. there was a golden toilet!!" Right then he got up and went out to find the special toilet. He had hit 5 bars that night, so he went to the first one, asked where the bathroom was, when he went and looked, there was no golden toilet.

This continued until he got to the last bar, he was really tired by then, and rather then going to look for the toilet himself, he asked the bartender, "do you by any chance have a golden toilet here?" and the bartender said to another person that was there, "hey! I think I found the guy who crapped in the tuba!!!"

Blonde joke - Driving

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together.

Just yesterday one of you takes away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!!"